i belong to nobody, still.

~

bismillah. bismillah. bismillah. the right man will come in the right place and time. selow.

When I was in love with a guy who everybody said “please nind, find another guy“, she’s the only one who said “go ahead, he might be yours“. Then after some time trying and stuff still unhappened, she didn’t say anything anymore, which i took that as “stop” time.

When I was crazy over a guy, who seemed so unreachable, she said “better die trying“.

She is the wisest friend of mine. I was like, I tell her almost every pieces of my troubles and she’s always there (but lately she’s too busy , yaeyalah ). I feel like, she can read my mind, and other guys’. I often listen to her like she can read my future *lebay*. She also reminds me about the power of Almighty Allah. Prays and things. What a perfect friend.

She is a nice, independent, strong, and silly person. I love her so much. She’s getting married tomorrow. I am so nervous. Look like I have a bestfriend complex. . . . .*sigh*

I know she’s been dreaming this so long and I am so-much-really-and-over glad that finally she finds the one. Finally the time is tomorrow. I wish the best for her

And i still hope, things between us will not change. Bang Indraaaa i still want to curhat2 to maymayyyyy pleaseeeeee!!

I love you mimi, maymay, whatever. Thank you for being my best friend. Teary eyes :”

See you today, I’ll be there for one of your happiest day. Good luck! mwah! amm!

devil and  angel :p

Di film itu ada semacam tabib yg ngobatin Memei, dia beragama Budha. Mereka berdialog kurang lebih kaya gini..

meimei: emang kalo berdoa ngapain sih?

gurunya : yah kaya berdialog aja sama tuhan.. ga terus menerus kita berdoa minta sesuatu..

Tiba-tiba itu jadi ‘deg’ buat saya.

Saya bukan orang yang sering minta sih sama Tuhan. Saya shalat karena saya ingin dekat sama Tuhan. Saya berdoa ketika shalat, tapi semacam ‘template’ aja gitu. Hanya sesekali ketika urgent saya benar2 berdoa, memohon, dan meminta.

Buat saya sih sah-sah aja untuk meminta sama Tuhan. Karena toh Tuhan memang tempat kita meminta. Saya pernah dengar semacam obrolan atau ceramah, dimana kita disuruh mengandaikan kalo kita minta terus sama orang, pasti lama-lama orangnya kesel, begitu juga dengan Tuhan. Lah, tau darimana? Emang Tuhan sama kaya manusia? Saya nggak tau ya kalau ternyata ada di Al-Quran atau Hadits, karena saya kurang mendalami. Tapi kalau menurut saya. Ya nggak papa. Kalo bukan minta ke Tuhan, minta ke siapa lagi?

Tapi. Saya sangat setuju dengan term berdialog dengan Tuhan. Saya tahu, dialog itu seakan-akan monolog. Iya sih Tuhan mendengarkan, kan Dia Maha Mendengar. Tapi kan beda ya rasanya dengan berdialog dengan sesama manusia, yang dapat respon saat itu juga. Namun, disitulah buat saya enaknya berdialog dengan Tuhan. Nggak langsung dapet apa-apa sih, tapi entah bikin tenang, bikin lega, bikin nyaman. Saya bisa ngeluarin semua yang saya pikirin, saya rasain, tanpa ada yang harus  di’sensor’. Kaya cerita aja gitu. Kaya nulis blog. Tapi bener-bener apa adanya. Sampe saya capek. Sampe saya lebih lega.

Ini nggak hanya saya aja kan? Coba deh

me: i will have one, after july.

my friend: why?

me : i’ve realized that “preschool teacher” has been a plus point on me lately. and you know, i’m no longer being preschool teacher on august. I want to move, either to work in company, or take my master degree. So, if i have a boyfriend now, i’m afraid that he will try to influence me to stay working as a teacher. i don’t want.

mf : You should find a guy who can accept you the way you are. The one who can accept your plan to upgrade yourself. Don’t date a guy who likes to overmanage your life before marriage.

I forgot.. that maybe a guy like that might exists.

And this is my mom suddenly said to me this morning:

Mom : itu anaknya Pak siregar nikah

me : hah yang temen aku?

mom: bukan, kakaknya, yang temen kamu belom lah, kan seumur kamu. emang kapan kamu nikah? ibu udah pusing kamu keluyuran malem mulu.

haha mom, i’m sure that deep in your heart, you’re not ready enough to let your favourite girl grow up apart from you. Just make me some pray and. i didn’t do any keluyuran things. i had fun in positive ways. Trust me

ehem. whatever job i will take, whatever stuffs i will do, one thing i can promise to my future husband, i’ll be a good mom for our kids. the idea of being a good mom, of raising brilliant kids, that’s the main destiny of my life

I’m not people who concern enough with the term “new year”. The main reason why I love new year is because it’s time to get fun with friends, to spend holiday, and to celebrate something. Not as ambitious as other people who might say, “in this new year, i will bla bla bla.. my resolution for this year is bla bla bla.. ” No. And I completely forgot, did I make any resolutions last year? I guess zero.

So now I’m going to reflect about how my 2011 was going.

A little moved backward, I had one of the worst day in my life in December 2010. I broke with my boyfriend. It was surprised and shocked me.  Our relationship was too deep, like all the huge families were already connected. Kind like that. During December, life was like a never ending nightmare. Full of crying, grieving, whinning. Then I entered 2011, in fun trip. A good start to refresh my life.

During January, life was slightly different, I started to teach my own class in school that I’ve been working. I used to be very stressed during my first 2 weeks. I need to adapt with 20 kids in my class. It wasn’t as easy as I thought before.This month was all about my working.

And, I started to think about myself. Think about things that I couldn’t do before. I’ve joined UDW, dance academy, that i enjooy so much. One of the best decision I made. I tried to enrich myself by learning other language. I joined CCF, and at least, I can make some introduction in French now.

My udw and ccf things worked well. My days was full from monday to sunday. Started from January 2011, and still until now, This has been my daily routine:

Monday-friday : working from 8 am to 3 pm. 1-2 days a week, hang out with friends/ shop by myself.

Saturday: ccf 8-12, having saturday night with friends.

Sunday: UDW 10-12.

I started to reconnect with my friends. You know, me and that ex used to spend the whole life together, like monday to sunday, morning to night. I still played with friends in some occasions. But, just more like, occasionally. Gladly, my friends were still there. They understood, welcomed, and was happy when I back.

In the middle of February, I started my relationship again with that ex. Actually, in December, we made agreement to talk our stuffs again after a month. So there we were. We’re back in relationship, but things didn’t work well. So on July, I decided to give up. I love to give up when I’ve already tried my best. Trying is good when you know when to stop. When you keep trying without consider everything between and around, it is stupid. I relieved at that time. I was sad, but not as much as in December, because I know, I’ve already tried. I needed to open my eyes.

I had my birthday on July. I used to think that my birthday would be worse without that ex, that used to give sweet surprise and stuffs every year. But, my sister did something for me. She made surprise party and invited some friends. I’ve got another surprise party at work. So, it wasn’t that bad.

Move to 2nd semester in 2011. Forgetsick about that ex, I moved to another ex (look stupid, wasn’t I?). I felt like that was my time. I never had time to try some works with this ex, so I took my chance. I wanted to fix something stuck in my heart. Our ‘stuffs’ was on and off, and didn’t work well. So, we’re done for good in the beginning of December. Again, i relieved.

In this second semester, I also took ielts preparation course, and test. Finally I tried to apply a scholarship. I was so happy that I could freely think further about my own future. Eventhough seems like I didn’t get the scholarship, again, I relieved. I’ve tried my best. Fyi, for only one month preparation, I got 6,5 for my ielts. proud of me

On October i started to join Penyala MTB. The idea of this not-so-called-organization is great, we collect books for those who need in Maluku Tenggara Barat.  I am a public relation here, and my job is fun. Writing on the blog, post in facebook and twitter, easy. And sometimes, doing some additional project based on request, voluntary. But, I think that I did not do my best here yet, unfortunately. I haven’t been played with full of my heart in those projects. Maybe just not yet. I still want to give more on next.

And, on November, finally I decided to resign from my school on next June. I love this school, i love my kids, i pretty like my job, but, I want to gain more. I’m thinking about taking master degree, or, working in company. I want to try new experience. I’m still young. I want to do all i want. No one could stop me. I’m doing positive things, right?

Middle of December, ehem, I started to have crush with somebody who I’d love to talk lately. Again, I tried. A little bit. I haven’t feel relieved yet, because I hadn’t try my best. You knowww it’s hard to start anything when you are a girl. I couldn’t talk about this man more, I’ve wrote about him before, but I guess i’ve deleted

What else you want to know? I think those are almost all my things during 2011. I would thank those who spend time with me during 2011. To my best friends, who gave sprinkle stars in my 2011. And I would say sorry of making some mistakes during that year.

I say 2011 is a year of trying and year of relieving. I satisfied enough with myself during that year. I feel i grow up in a good way, become more mature, and gain more and better experience. I’m moving on in positive ways. Alhamdulillah

2012? Year for continue trying, year for achieving more. Bismillah

Good luck for me, and for all of you! Cheers! Happy 2012

It was great, but I think that’s to much adele rather than linkin. I was expecting more.

At least you learn, when people grow—sometimes they grow apart

Taken from icca’s blog : here.
Hey girl, it’s so touchy! Good luck for school things, I’ve passed it, and so will you! Enjoy

Hello! Finally i have time to write on pc and talk about things that buzz inside my head. I’ve been busy this week. Actually I made myself busy due to not think about something that is not good to be thought of. And dance rehearsal, of course. 4 days this week. Great, quick recovery. Am so over with you, hopefully .

This blog has been too personal lately. Nothing is interesting unless what you want to know is only about my daily life. I am sorry. Promise you I’ll post other things soon, at least during my holiday!

Talking about holiday, ah so sad that I can’t spend new year as I’ve planned. The reason is.. I need to be more realistic and not too impulsive. Actually my plan was just like last year, another holiday trip. We (me and my sist) already searched many tours and travels which can accomodate us.  But, during high season, the price is kinda peeve! Can you believe it’s like 5 million more expensive than normal price. ??!!?!??!?!?!?*&^*?? damn! And I started to think that I need to save my money for the future. For school, or maybe for my wedding. (jahahahaha. seriously, i’m thinking about that ).

What I feel now. I feel so nervous. It’s only a week left before my competition and my performance on United Dance Challenge. *deep inhale*. I wanna share a bit detail of that event,which is the reason why i’m feeling this nervous. I’ve been like more than 20 times dancing on the stage, I danced since I was in kindergarten. But for this time, is quite scares me. I’ve told you i’ll dance 2 times, ait? The first one is, remember when I passed the audition with 7 other dancers who are also from UDW academy at all levels? Term that “I passed the audition” became a burden for me. It pushed me to dance as good as those who also passed the audition, who are very very great dancers. I don’t want people to say “why this girl can passed, wth the judge thought of”. God I wanna cryyyy.. Maybe it’s just my feeling, but you know, it’s also the truth. I’m scared.

And the second one, I’ll dance with my team, 3 of us. I wasn’t underpressured at first. We made the song, the coreo, the concept together, until… We got a coach for mentoring us. Then, my coach had his own concept, so we change the whole dance. Actually the concept is gonna be hilarious. One Beyonce, two dancers. Some of lipsync’s part. But,  shyitmen I’ll be the beyonce! zzzz.  With a slight difference costume, appearance, coreography, role.. oh.. That ‘slight’ is too whop for me.. Another heft burden. I feel like, my coach has a huge expectation for me. Moreover, it will be a competition, about win and lose. And he keep on saying “whatever, you guys should win”.  Geez. Even he was joking, that wasn’t funny at all, for me.

And one more, seems like so many friends, even my family, are going to watch. Deep inside I feel so glad and blessed being supported by my significant others, but again, feels like another heavy stuffs on my back. I don’t want them to feel dissapointed.

Okay. I don’t what i’ve been writing here. I’m overanxious. Please nindia it’s just a dance. And you love it, no doubt. 

Yes I love dance. I need to practice more, and just do my best

So please come and watch!

ps: cute conversation with mom

me: Bu nonton aku dance dong minggu depan

mom: mau dong

me: aku jadi beyonce lho

mom: cie elah.. *3 seconds later* beyonce apanya dek?

Hahahahaha! mom!!

and finally coreo for “PCD” part has done. let’s practice more and more and more!

2nd month come faster please! Couldn’t hardly wait for the new life begins. with or without you